By all appearances, I was living the ideal life.
With a beautiful family and a business that was thriving financially, it seemed I had it all. The challenge was that I was finding it more difficult to hide the unhappiness that was continuing to grow inside. I felt like I was living someone else’s life.
I was a woman who felt disconnected from my happiness, passion and power. There was no amount of shopping excursions, glamorous vacations or over-achieving business results that could hide the sadness that was welling up inside of me.
No matter how I tried to “be better” or “be happy with how things were,” I could not will myself into a state of happiness.
How did I get to this place? I certainly didn’t plan for my life to be this way.
I graduated with high honors from Marquette University with a degree in Psychology and went on to earn my Master’s Degree in Business. I had plans to make a difference. Plans to make my mark on the world in a way that would contribute to the lives of others.
On the eve of my college graduation, the man I had been dating since freshman year proposed marriage to me. The small, quiet voice within was told me to wait. The feeling in the pit of my stomach told me it wasn’t time yet for marriage.
That feeling and that voice were trying to get my attention. They wanted me to put my truth and happiness ahead of what I thought others wanted me to do. They wanted me to pay attention to my desires and curiosities because through those my soul was leading me to my passion and purpose.
But because of many years of being taught that pleasing others over myself was the most honorable path in life and being afraid of hurting those I cared most about, I ignored the yearnings in my heart and the constant anxiety in my stomach and did what I thought was the “right” thing to do.
Through the years my husband and I raised two beautiful kids, I started a very successful business and we moved into our dream house. I spent a lot of money on clothes and shoes, took amazing vacations and distracted myself with remodeling projects, new cars, my business and the kids’ activities. But there was a problem. I still wasn’t happy.
And I tried so hard to be happy.
I wanted to be happy. I tried talking myself into it, taking workshops on achieving it, all while ignoring the growing unhappiness. The voice of my soul was getting louder and louder. And the difference between what I really wanted and the life I was leading was causing so much sadness and anxiety that it was becoming harder and harder to hide.
I remember sitting in my favorite reading chair by the fireplace in my kitchen. I was praying a familiar prayer… please God help me be happy with what I have. Help me bloom where I am planted and let go of what I can’t have. Tears welled up in my eyes as I compared my life with my husband to the one I dreamed about when I was young.
I wanted connection with my partner, I wanted passion, I wanted to feel adored by the man I was married to. I wanted to look at him and feel love and appreciation. I wanted to enjoy spending time together rather than feeling so much loneliness. As I got up and walked toward the family room I heard a very clear voice. I’ve heard this voice a few times before.
This time the voice said, “The Truth Will Set You Free.”
I knew the truth was that it was referring to. And it was a very inconvenient truth. It was a truth that would break up my family, could cause me financial ruin, would hurt those people I had most tried to protect my whole life. But it was time.
My mask of being the perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect business woman, perfect daughter (the list goes on…) needed to come off. If I didn’t take it off I knew I would need to shut off the voice of my soul for good and that would be much more painful than the fear of the unknown future.
And it was totally unknown. At the same time as my divorce, my successful business that had supported me and my family for the past 8 years was falling apart. For the most part, it was done. I had no idea what I would do for a career or how I would create additional income.
It was like the Universe was saying it was time to clear the decks. Time to create anew. And pretty much every role I relied on to function in life was cleared away or greatly transformed. It was like a light switch was turned off and I couldn’t turn it back on. It was over.
It was time to move on.
I began to find out what was really true for me. It didn’t happen overnight and was a process of leaving my logical mind long enough to tap into the feelings inside my body. I gave myself permission to linger in the sadness and the joy. To really pay attention to what sparked my curiosity and to what no longer held appeal for me.
I knew I couldn’t make these changes by myself, so I made a commitment to find the people who could help me move from where I was to where I wanted to be. I didn’t know exactly what my destination would look like, but I knew that I wanted to feel happy with who I was being in the world and feel confident in speaking my truth.
I knew I wanted to have loving, connected relationships and live life in a way that felt fulfilling and exciting to me.
Finding someone who could help me fulfill these desires was my declaration that THIS TIME WOULD BE DIFFERENT. This time I would do more than dream about living a different life. This time I was committed to doing whatever it took to make it happen.
That commitment was the catalyst I needed to become the woman I am today.
With help from my coaches and encouragement from supportive friends, I started living an authentic life. I gave myself permission to try things on even when I didn’t exactly know where they would lead. I allowed my intuition and heart to lead the way into experiences that would bring back the pieces of myself that I had lost through the years.
At times the old me would tell me that I was being irresponsible. That voice would say that I needed to pick a path and stay on it. I needed to make things happen and get back to the definition of success that I once had. And although that voice caused me to stop every now and then, and sometimes even take a brief detour, I didn’t let it stop me this time from pursuing the goals of my soul.
The good news is although I ignored it for many many years, the voice of my Soul was still there… alive and well and ready to joyfully speak to me through my heart.
The more I listened, the more clear my heart’s voice became.
The more I abandoned my need for approval and validation from the outside and gave myself permission to follow my truth, the more that happiness bubbled from within and spread throughout my life.
The more I paid attention to the emotions generated in my body from my thoughts and actions, the truer I remained to the goals of my soul.
The quieter I could get in my mind, the more I could hear my heart.
I found out that “the right thing” to do was always tied to a sense of peace that I could feel when I connected with the truth within. And even when it showed up as that inconvenient truth that would rock a few boats and rustle a few feathers, I trusted that it was leading me exactly where I wanted to go. Exactly to the place I had desired as a little child.
A life of happiness and freedom to be me.
So now, it’s an ongoing process of listening to and honoring my truth. Of living my life in a way that is a reflection of who I really am and what I treasure most in life.
Now I am a woman who feels a happiness deep inside even when outside circumstances seem less than favorable. I am a woman who is excited about life, knowing that I am responsible for creating each and every part of it.
And as a result of this journey, I have experienced transformation in every one of my relationships.
I now experience more love, joy and connection in my relationships than ever before.
My ex-husband and I share a wonderful friendship and have created a loving space for our children to flourish. We often celebrate holidays and birthdays together. I even attended his wedding last year!
I have beautiful, connected relationships with my adult children who are thriving!
I am so excited about the path that I am on! I truly have an amazing life. I have wonderful relationships that add to my rich and fulfilling life and love the work I do empowering smart, successful women in having the life and love they desire.
My mission is all about coaching women to develop rich and fulfilling relationships. I work with women who desire to transform their current relationship into a more thriving, connected and happy partnership. This is so rewarding as I see them become the catalyst to developing the relationship of their dreams with their partner.
I also coach women who are stuck in the difficult question “should I stay or should I go?” Unsure whether to continue trying to “save their marriage” or not, I help these women to connect with their inner truth and make their choice confidently, without guilt or judgement, from a place of clarity and peace of mind.
If you would like to connect with me, click here to schedule a free 30-minute Clarity Session.
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