I had a realization the other day. I suddenly saw what was standing between me and the kind of relationship I knew I wanted. It was like someone turned a light on in a dark room and the reason became obvious.
It was all about the mirror.
I’ve studied enough about relationships for the past ten years and have been in enough of my own to recognize a mirror when I see one. But the truth is, the mirrors are sooooo much easier to see when in my clients’ and friends’ relationships rather than in my own. I think we all have a little blind spot when it comes to recognizing our own shit. But having all of this time in France for introspection and meditation, the last three weeks have turned on more than a few lights for me.
So, to put things in context, I’ll share a little about my last two significant experiences with men. In the summer of 2015, I met a man on a blind date who, as soon as we met, I felt an incredible connection with. That doesn’t happen to me very often (almost never) so I sat up and took notice. We had similar interests in spirituality, travel, entrepreneurship and incredible chemistry. We could talk for hours on many subjects. I opened my heart and truly felt like this could be “it”, the relationship I had been growing into over the past several years.
As it turned out, it wasn’t that. This man was choosing something else. He chose to put the majority of his energy into expanding his businesses. Being in a relationship wasn’t a priority for him and he seemed happy to keep things casual between us. After about five months of dating, I knew I wanted more than he did and so I stopped seeing him. To say I was disappointed in the outcome is an understatement. But I figured, “look how close I came to manifesting a man in my life who was such a good fit for me on so many levels. Yay, me!” Ok, it took me awhile to get to “Yay, me!” but eventually I got there.
Then this past summer I reconnected with a man I dated eight years ago. The parts I liked the best about the relationship last time we dated were still there. It felt easy to be with him, like I was home. The strong chemistry we had was still there. We seemed to be in the same place in life and had many of the same interests. I could be my natural, weird self with him and talk about things like metaphysics, law of attraction and what “Abraham” would have to say about any subject. I never felt judged or self-conscious with him. I thought, “Wow! How wonderful to be able to connect with this man again. Maybe our timing will work out better this time around.” And things started off great. And then his communication faded to almost nothing. Reason? He has a lot on his plate with work and parenting and…
Yep. I did it again. I attracted a man who wasn’t in a place in his life where he wanted to make a long-term relationship a priority… at least with me. I felt confused and a bit discouraged. What was going on? Why was I manifesting men who seemed nearly perfect for me, except for the fact that they didn’t want to be in relationships? That’s kind of a big component, right?
I knew I was ready for an amazing relationship. I have done a ton of work through the years in becoming more of the person I want to be in an intimate relationship and I feel ready to manifest the perfect partner for me. But as “Abraham” would say (google Abraham-Hicks if you’re curious), I must have some resistance somewhere because the relationship that I desire hasn’t manifested yet. Hmm.
Then I remembered to look in the mirror.
EVERY relationship we’re in is a mirror for us in some way. Sometimes it’s difficult to see how each person reflects something going on within ourselves, but it’s always there. Big hint: the mirror part of the relationship is the part that triggers you into feeling a certain way. If they’re not a mirror, then you don’t get triggered. My feeling of being confused and discouraged was a clue that these two men were mirrors for me in some way.
What was it that they were mirroring to me? If I took a step or two back and looked at the situation, I could see that they both were choosing work and family responsibilities over being in a committed relationship with me. It frustrated me that they didn’t see that they could have both. It frustrated me that they both seemed to think that it was “either, or.” Either they have a thriving business/career or they could make being in a relationship a priority.
BINGO! That was it!
Me too! I too had an “either, or ” belief. I realized that I had been carrying around an unconscious belief that I could EITHER have an amazing relationship with a wonderful man and make that my priority OR I could have a kick-ass, very prosperous business traveling the world and sharing my message about empowering relationships, but not both.
Digging further I saw that I had a belief that if I chose to be in a significant relationship, I would need to compromise on my business success. A moderate amount of business success was ok, like enough to keep a decent amount of money coming in and make my life more interesting but I’d need to give up the big dreams. Or, if I chose my business as my main priority, then I had to compromise on having a great relationship or maybe even end up being alone. Either. Or. Not both.
Well, that’s a crock of shit.
The good news is that once the belief is uncovered and held up to the light of day, it’s power over you is as good as gone. If you truly don’t want to believe it anymore, you don’t have to. You can release that belief and replace it with something you like better. As defined by Psychology Today, “a belief is an idea or principle which we judge to be true.” A belief is simply a decision we make. We have the power to believe something different at any time. But until we recognize that there is an unconscious belief operating beneath the surface, we will continue making choices through that filter.
For whatever reason, I made a decision somewhere in my past to believe the “either, or” lie. Since I’m choosing not to believe it anymore, I am replacing it with a “both, and” belief. What if I believed that having an amazing relationship with a man who is a great match for me allows me even more ability to have a hugely prosperous, fulfilling business? What if I believed that the man I attract into my life and create a relationship with will be a man who desires, as I do, a partner who loves continued growth, expansion and new life adventures? What if I believed that this man will enjoy being a part of the kind of life I live and I will enjoy being a part of his? What if our relationship only enhances both of our individual successes?
Ah, that feels good. I choose those beliefs.
I have a client who has recently gone through a major shift in her beliefs as well. She realized right before coming to my Your LoveLife Blueprint retreat that she has been stuck in indecision about her marriage for years because of her fear of abandonment. She didn’t realize that her fear was the lens that she was using to make almost every decision in her life. As she discovered the mirror that her relationship was holding for her and worked through and released those old beliefs, she was able to let go of that fear for good! A couple weeks after the retreat I got this message from her:
My growth since the retreat is grand!!! The person you knew at the retreat is very different now. The fear that ran through every fiber of my being is completely gone!!!! I can now feel there are many great things ahead for me. I will love you forever for helping me get here!
If you’re stuck in a relationship dynamic that seems to be repeating itself, I recommend that you too look in the mirror. Pretend that you’re an observer in the relationship, like an impartial third party. What do you see? What is behavior in the other person that is triggering a ‘negative’ emotion in you? When you feel that negative emotion, can you find the belief that is just underneath it? If you can’t seem to find the belief, ask Spirit to guide you. Then quiet your mind and see what shows up. It will surface eventually and you’ll be ready to recognize it in an Ah-ha moment!
When you discover the belief that is triggering your pain, you then have the power of choice. You can choose whether or not to continue believing it. If that belief no longer serves you, then you have the power to replace it with a new belief. It’s really that simple.
If you’d like to give yourself the kind of space and permission you need to get really clear on what it is you want and what may be keeping you from that desire, I invite you to attend my next retreat on October 21 -23rd in Niwot, CO. All the details for the retreat are here: www.YourLoveLifeBlueprint.com
If you have any questions about whether this retreat may be the right fit for you, drop me a quick email at firstname.lastname@example.org and we can find a time to connect.